i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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