If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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