if i can run in heels then i can drive
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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