it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
