I accidentally had phone sex last night
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
