My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
