I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
