this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
