new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i want to swaddle you in tequila
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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