awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
