Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
