idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she told me i tasted like america
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
