so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
