i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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