He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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