We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
