Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
