You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
