remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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