For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
