There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
