don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Randomize
