I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I skipped work to stalk him.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
