You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
