Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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