It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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