My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
