she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
