I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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