Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
