Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
