I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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