we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
