at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
