I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
