If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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