I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
