you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
