seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
