My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We had sex on a dog bed..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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