I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
