weddingsv make me drug and hornr
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
