I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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