She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The best revenge is premature balding
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
