I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
