I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just invented taco cereal.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
