I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
