but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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