He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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