My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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