Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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