we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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