I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize