Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
