Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
