I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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