Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
